Head Up Wings Out

I am a 37-year-old who has accomplished a lot and has so many things to be grateful for but often felt alone and empty. My life has had many blessings, but I made a lot of wrong choices along the way, from experimenting with drugs, to thoughts of suicide, to unhealthy relationships and friendships and more. I would tell myself I have it all together, it could be worse I've come along way. I'm better now, right? I'm a mom who works full time, goes to school, owns a home, works out most days, pays her own bills but truth is there was still a small part of me that was missing.

While being a mom is one of the most fulfilling aspects of my life, my purpose felt much greater. Is that even possible?

Well, after a very toxic first marriage I soon found "the one", got married again, had a baby and now a stepson it was the perfect little family. But it wasn't long before I felt that void again. Who am I? Why am I here? What's missing? I became toxic to the ones that meant the most to me. I realize now that I was trying to fill that void in all the wrong places, through the eyes of other people, through being loved, validated, accepted, understood, valued, etc. I had a pretty good childhood nothing to terrible, right? What is wrong with me? At the time, I didn't understand why I kept falling into this pattern of feeling this way which led me down a path of self-sabotage on repeat. Then it became very clear to me last year, I lacked purpose. How do I identify with my purpose? This led me to self-reflection, it was time to look in the mirror and get connected with who I really was.

My relationship with God was solid up until I was 17 years old. Then one day I just switched it off completely, I was done! I gave up on God, I chose to turn away from the one and only pure thing that I knew to be true of myself, my FAITH! My faith was everything and just like that I was done. Why should I give, and give, and give so much of myself all the time just to be hurt by those nearest to me? I became bitter, resentful and angry at human life. I didn't understand why people were so mean and so cruel, why was kindness such a difficult task for some. I became furious at God and my life began spiraling out of control for years. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I married into the toxic forms of life and society always feeling conflicted about God, my faith, life, my purpose. I was full of rage and anger, so I turned to drugs, alcohol, infidelity, late nights at the bar, little to no sleep, using my career and gym time to escape the reality of life. These are all the things some of us use to self-medicate so that we don't feel, to go numb and project outward instead of inward reflection. I wanted to be like "most", selfish, hateful, mean, unforgiving, revengeful not feeling anything.

I hated most humans, myself and took on the motto, “If you chose to walk out of my life”, it was "there's the door, hope it hits you on the way out".

I gave up on God more and more every day, making bad decision after bad decision, hurting all of those around me who loved me. I blamed God for the pain of the world, for the kids who bullied me and jumped me in middle school, the memories of sexual assault that I can’t recant because I was too high to remember, for the affair I chose to have that broke up my family. This is just touching the surface of the hate and blame I felt towards God. I lost perspective at the gift God had given me that so many of us struggle with day in and day out. He gave me strength, strength to survive this world of inhumanity. Strength, now courage to help others through similar experiences, to heal through forgiveness and self-love when it almost seems impossible.

Clarity came to me a little over a year ago when my sister's boyfriend killed himself. It’s hard sometimes to think that it took someone’s tragic story of pain and anguish for me to truly find myself, to admit I was lost and on a continued path of destruction. Robbie became my angel of change and purpose. I will share more on that as I begin my journey here on A Jesus and Gypsy Soul. God's intention was never to hurt me or make me feel pain but to teach me how to use that pain as a gift to help others in times of weakness, sadness, doubt, uncertainties, to be a light in someone’s darkness. It has taken me almost 37 years to realize that my faith, and my strength are what make me who I am. Then, now and forever! I knew how much I loved to write, but it wasn't until this past year I saw it as a gift to reach others. I hope this blog can help just one person find their light and give comfort in knowing that you are not alone. So, my purpose begins today, and I accept the gifts that God has given me. I can't wait to share with all of you my life of love, hate, pain, loss, the good, the bad and the ugly, but most of all I can't wait to hear from all of you. I am a testament that without faith there is nothing.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen ~Hebrews 11.1 (KJV)